BU2B, your talk is great from the standpoint of sharing TTATT. But I'm afraid that it might raise suspicions. Why? Because it strays a little too much from the theme. The theme given is about not opposing God appionted authority. But your talk reads like you're going out of your way to make a point about not blindly following anyorganization. I'm afraid that may likely raise some suspicion about your motives among the elders.
My advice to you would be to not focus as much on the point about blindly following others without proof. Focus on the theme of the talk but find a way to mention that Abiram failed to consider the clear evidence of God's appointment of Moses. In other words, you can still make your point about not following blindly and the need for clear evidence. But just mention it secondarily without focusing on it. Focusing on it too much may draw suspicion from the elders.
But it depends on how you're perceived and want to be perceived by the elders. If you don't mind the elders knowing you have doubts and you want a way to share TTATT without them having solid grounds to accuse you, then I would definitely go with your revised talk.